The Continuing Adventures of Wily Mo Peña: You Say Goodbye, I Say Wil-Mo

Editor's note: We here at Hit Some Dingers, your one stop shop for half baked sports coverage and long pointless lists, posted a classified ad in the Boston Herald last month looking for a guest blogger to help fill those boring gaps between slightly more boring Phillies losses. To our surprise, we received an application e-mail from Boston Red Sox right fielder Wily Mo Peña, who said "If Kurt can do it, why cant I?" [sic]. After waiting another week and not getting any more interest in the ad, we told Wily to go for it, so here's the first installment in the ongoing series...

Hey everybody! How's it going?

I'm so excited to be a part of this new blog. Editor Adam says that I can write about whatever I want, so long as it's about baseball and not about my sitcom pilot script. But that's fine! I have faith that Oh No, Wily Mo! will find a home someday soon.

I figured I'd use this platform to give you guys a glimpse into the relaxed clubhouse lifestyle we enjoy here in Boston.

I don't know if you guys saw the game against Cleveland last night, but Kevin Youkilis, or as some of us like to call him, Kevin Steingoldstein, hit an inside the park home run. It's one of the most thrilling plays in the game! I should know, I hit one myself last week. The pitching coach seemed pretty angry at me for making such a big deal out of it, but he's always grumpy during batting practice.

The game was a big deal, not just because I finally swiped a pair of Dice-K's weird Oriental socks, but because the original Dirt Dog himself, Trot Nixon, was coming back to Fenway for the first time as a non-Sox. I tagged along with the rest of the guys to see him before the game, and he punched me and J.D. on the arms and said, "So these are the new guys, eh?" I tried to explain to Trot that this was my second season on the team, and that we had played together last year, but he was already busy doing some weird handshake with Varitek. Whatever.

Curt Schilling had another one of his crazy dying kids at the park when we were playing in Texas last week. I didn't really want to tell anybody, but I think he might have been one of those skinheads, like in that movie American History X. I know Curt has his own political opinions about things, but that seems to be crossing the line. Anyways, I went up to the kid and told him I was Manny Ramirez, and the kid believed me! At least, he did until I accidentally used my new catchphrase, "That's just Wily being Wily!"™ I still signed the kid's bat with Manny's name, though I think I misspelled his last name. Curt seemed pretty angry, but Curt's always angry.

Hey, this was kinda lame: the black players aren't letting me sit at their lunch table anymore. This happened for a few months last year too, but after I promised to give Ortiz my Gatorade every time, they let me back. But ever since the whole Vitamin Water endorsement, he doesn't want my Gatorade anymore! Doug said I could sit with him, but nobody sits with Doug. The worst part is that ever since A-Rod threw that elbow, they've been letting Dustin Pedroia sit with them! I mutter "honky" under my breath every time I walk by, but either he's ignoring me or he just doesn't hear.

Anyways, that's all for this first edition of what I've asked Editor Adam to call "Wily Mo's Danger Zone." If you have any questions, feel free to leave them in the comments here, or you can e-mail me too, WilyMoMoney.WilyMoProblems@gmail.com. Wily out!