After enduring the All-Star snubs, the Futures Game, and ESPN's Who's Now, the Home Run Derby is finally upon us. And, as we always say: "If something is worth watching, it's worth watching drunk." Just to help you out a little, here is the Official Hit Some Dingers 2007 Home Run Derby Drinking Game, or the OHSD2HRDDG if you're into the whole brevity thing. I'll give you a hint, the game may or may not involve mint juleps.Update: it was just brought to our attention that the blog Homer Derby has just posted their own
drinking game. It isn't as funny as our's was going to be, but their's is finished so they get the nod.
Since we are no longer making a drinking game, we decided to have an unannounced live blog of the Derby. Everybody's a winner (except for those of you who wanted to get drunk while watching the Derby in hilarious fashion).
Also, I don't know how to do timestamps, so assume this all takes place between 8pm and whenever the Derby ends.
The dinger montage before the derby started out great. Jackie Robinson, King Fielder aka Cecil
smacking the ball out of the park. Awesome sight. Definitely ran about 10 minutes too long though. I mean, I love dingers as much as the next guy (probably more), but really. We're about to see a hundred home runs (just from Ryan Howard), we didn't need to watch 500 before the derby.
Counting Crows was such a bad choice as the opening act. Especially if you have an HD TV and don't have a scalp fetish. What's the problem with professional sport leagues having such bad musical acts?
Finally, time for Boomer to announce the hitters. In other words, thank god Counting Crows is gone. I'm glad the batter doesn't have to round the bases. Prince Fielder would never make it, he can barely make it through the introductions. Also, I'm glad Berman put a hat on. HD has it's benefits, but it sure takes a toll on the eyes.
This bat presentation is incredibly awkward. Willie McCovey can barely walk, and apparantly he has forgotten which way you hold the bat as well. He still looks better than Boomer, though. Adding to that list, Dusty Baker. Who, just to rub it in Dusty's face, used to be a manager in this league. Dusty and Joe "Chicken Wing" Morgan are both picking lefties. Boomer, on the other hand, picks Albert Pujols, who has 3 home runs on the season. Peter Gammons, or the Ghost of Christmas Past pretending to be Peter Gammons, stuttered his way to say that he liked the derby. Or something like that. Mr. Gammons, I miss you.
Here comes Justin Morneau, who has been smokin-hot as of late. He gets the honor of hitting the first home run, as well as the first "fuck" that gets through the mic he's wearing. This is also my favorite part of the derby. Funny tidbit, the only Canadian in baseball wears number 33 after great net minder Patrick Roy, who is also Canadian. Morneau continues hitting the ball to the deepest part of the park, and the announcing team continues reminding us. Thanks, Chicken Wing. Morneau gets his last out in an uneventful Derby opener.
Another funny part about the Derby: all of the players' kids hanging out on the sidewalk. This is why baseball needs a Shawn Kemp. Some all-star with 27 kids filling the whold dugout. The fact that they all have the same name is just a bonus. I feel like I can barely open my eyes without seeing John Kruk anymore. This isn't even a fat joke, he's everywhere.
Holliday comes up to bat, even though his introduction was cut off by John Kruk some weezing and sends his first two flying. We also got our first BACKBACKBACKBACK GONE! from the Boomster as Holliday surpased Morneau. Holliday becomes the first Derby contestant I've every seen that swung at every single pitch he saw. In between batters, Peter Gammons interviews Barry Bonds. Just when you think Barry is turing sane, he babbles about not thinking about the home run record and the baseballs changing. While he keeps talking and I stop listening, Magglio Ordonez comes up to bat. Ordonez decided to use the old keep your glasses on you brim technique, to maximize his power. Apparantly ESPN doesn't care about Magglio either, because they only showed two of his hits on the full screen. Barry Bonds not knowing what a commissioner does is much more important. In case you were wondering, Barry Bonds took a 26 minute shit today and when he sits on the toilet he leans slightly to his left. Can he just break the record so this absurd coverage can calm down?
Albert Pujols sends his first swing reaaal deep. A-Rod watches from the announcer's booth. He thought it would be good for the Yankees to get off to a good start. I thought it'd be a good idea for him to BE IN THE HOME RUN DERBY. While Not In The Derby-Rod talks, Pujols sends a screamer into the players on the third base line. Pujols stopped hitting home runs, good thing I'm still playing my own drinking game. The lack of dingers has very little effect on that.
Alex Rios, the dark horse of the Derby, is about to take his position. Staph Infection. Did you know he had a Staph Infection? He's only going to get stronger. Staph Infection. He's going to get bigger and stonger. Repeating ourselves. See, I could totally be a baseball commentator. BACKBACKBACKBACK GONE goes Rios' second shot. He has a very pretty swing, especially for a guy recovering from a Staph Infection. A-Rod is in attendance today, looking more like
Salvation Army-Rod in that suit.
Things I learn during the commercial break:
Jimmy Kimmel is funnier than LeBron James.
I might see the Simpsons movie more than once.
They have cable cars in San Francisco. I get it. All of the all-stars having a blast riding them, but they're not fun to ride. Not fun at all.
Prince Fielder comes up, I've been waiting for this. He almost hit the first dinger into the Cove, but a pesky flag got in the way. Boomer thinks he looks like Jerome Bettis. Does that mean he's from Detroit also? Prince has an underwhelming performance. Seeing his dad smack some out of the parks of old had me excited. Fool me once, Fielder family, shame on you.
Ben Sheets has the ugliest kid ever. Even uglier than Albert Pujols' daughter.
Vlad knows where the finish line is. I don't know what that means, but whatever. Boomer runs on his own frequency, and Leather applauds that. Vlad just broke out Lucille, brought to him by the great David Ortiz and some guy named Jordan, who is not participating today. His first cut with the new bat was a dud. Second too. At least he got a ground rule double, that counts for half, right? Before I could even finish making fun of him, Vlad takes his new bat and smacks 3 over the fence. I also like how the players make fun of eachother on the sideline. After another bomb some guy named Jordan, apparantly, came out and wiped Vlad's face with a flag. I'm nothing less than confused. Also, the fear struck into the hearts of every other player as ESPN cuts to Ryan Howard in the batting cage. Is that... is that Ryan Howard's music? He's back on the field! Just in time to see Vlad make his way into the next round.
Ryan Howard comes up, with his fames pitching coach Whatsisname Hernandez. In spite of this, he starts out with 6 outs. So much for a repeat. His first dinger falls right over the center field wall, but with 8 outs thing look bleak. Ryan Howard might not advance, but he sure does hit the ball far. Howard got under the ball for his last out, and he won't advance, but I still think he was the most entertaining. If you think it's because I'm biased, you're probably right.
And now, the most entertaining spectacle in all of sports: A SWING OFF! Instead of using real pop culture and alluding to a certain Vince Vaughn movie, Boomer decides to start a rousing discussion on swing music. That Boomer is like a big bear, with big bear claws. He just doesn't know what to do with them. Morneau and Pujols take it to the plate in a classic slugfest. If Pujols loses here, none of the pre-Derby picks by Boomer, Chicken Wing, or Dusty Baker will have made it out of the first round. Boom used this time to break out not one, but two Bay Area references. My Californian roommate and Hit Some Dingers co-host Jeff Greco's head might explode. In another point of interest, Jordan is still hanging around the sidelines with his flag, congratulating Pujols on advancing as only he knows how. Pujols hits two dingers to Morneau's one, sending him to the next round along with Vlad, Matt Holliday, and Alex Rios.
The second round is kicking off with Matt Holliday. His second dinger of the round missed the giant glove in left field by about 8 rows. Damn shame. Dusty Baker is also making fun of Berman for his BACKBACKBACK GONE shtick. Good for him. Maybe he can make fun of my for using the word "also" half a million times in this post. Nevermind, Boomer said it again anyway. He's got my number in this competition. Note to the sound crew: we like cuss words more than silence. Stop doing that. Holliday looks like he found his groove in the second round, hitting more than anyone has yet. Boomer found himself using the word "holiday" in bad wordplays. Its funny because his last name is a word in the dictionary, get it, GET IT? I just found out that Matt Holliday has his brother Josh throwing to him. That makes his performance much cooler. That's better than David Wright having his homo catcher throw to him last year.
Bonds went to have a half-hour conversation with A-Rod, so Casper pretending to be Gammons has to interview Ryan Howard. It is a fascinating dialogue. It was hard to see the ball and he'd like to have a good second half. Oh yea, and the Phillies are going to try and win some games.
We are officially at the part of the Home Run Derby where we aren't watching the Dingers, and instead discussing whether or not Eva Longoria looks like a maid. A hot maid, but a maid nonetheless. We're accepting responses in the comment section. Alex Rios had a few bombs this round, including one to THE DEEPEST PART OF THE PARK! (Thanks, Boom). Rios took the lead, and extended it by another with a dinger that "had some hair on it." Another Boomer quote which I do not understand at all. Rios is putting on the greatest 9-out performance I can remember. The last one had hair, but this one has legs. It just missed the wall, bouncing off the warning track. Rios is doing pretty well for a guy who was added less than 24 hours ago. Rios chose his pitcher only 5 minutes before the Derby, maybe that's his trick.
Vlad comes up, and gets 4 outs as quickly as he did the first time. He almost had one, but a close-call fan-interfered ball got called an out after a long wait. Vlad finds his swing and gets a hold of a few, Jordan watches from the sideline. He takes the next pitch 475 feet into the Oakland section. They'll probably try to sell it back to Vlad for drug money. Only in Oakland. Vlad needs one more to go, Vlad steps away to tape his fingers. I know it doesn't seem like much but just wait for it. He takes the next two pitches deep, making it to the next round and becoming the first to send one 500 feet deep. He also got a warm kudos from Jordan. God bless that kid. Joe Morgan loves him so Vlad, almost like Jordan but without the flag.
Waiting for Pujols, The Holy Ghost interviews Willie McCovey, who gave a great interview. He says that they used to have little home run competitions when he played, but Willie Mays always won them. Kenny Mayne let the water and joined the crowd in left field, and I want to point out that whoever the catcher is for this deserves some recognition. I think he is a Real Men of Genius candidate.
Albert Winnie the Pujols found his stroke just in time. He sent the first three dinger deep before grounding into his first out. After the 3 straight homers, Pujols gets 4 straight outs. The kids in the field for Pujols, apparantly, are also part of his Down Syndrome charity because they can't catch a single ball. 2 outs later Pujols gets back on the dinger track. It must have been the generic Black Eyed Peas song they started playing, that does it for me every time. Pujols will need a Rios-esque last out to make it to the final round, he needs 3 homers. One more dinger and we might have to get David Bowie to judge the swingoff. Pujols' last swing falls just short. Maybe he needed some Jordan love.
With Pujols falling just short, Vlad Guerrero and Alex Rios will face off in the finals.
The finals start with Rios, Kruk's new pick to win. That means my money is on Vlad. While Rios hits, Vlad is being interviewed in Spanish. He's been in the league for 11 years, isn't that enough time to just pick English up? Bart Simpson learned French in a week for Peter Gammon's sake! Rios was only able to hit 2 out of the park in this round, in what seems to be yet another anticlimactic final round. I don't read or anything, because I'm straight, but maybe Jason Stark has a point.
Vlad will come out and try to hit a whopping 3 dingers when the Derby starts back up.
Joe Morgan thinks it will only take four swings for Vlad to wrap this up. But he changed it to three after Vlad's first-swing dinger. Ballsy move, Chicken Wing. Two swings later, Morgan laments losing. I wonder if he does that every night? After his second home run, Jordan came out to celebrate. Jordan can't count, either. Very sad, I know. After three that hit the warning track, Vlad finally takes it over the wall to end the suspense. In a repeat performance, Jordan and the entourage storm home plate again and Dusty tries to congratulate Vlad in Spanish. I didn't know they called themselves the Dominicano Republic, though. You learn something new every day.
Well, there's no better way to piss off a bunch of Giants fans than having an Angel win the Derby. The Bronx is Burning is coming up now, that's one for the DVR. Oliver Platt is playing Steinbrenner, I have a feeling he's going to be much better than Larry David was on Seinfeld.
Hope the live blog was better for you than it was for me, more posts to come soon.
