The Day That Was: May 31, 2007

A-Rod tricks Jays player into dropping ball by shouting "I got it!"
Goes down in baseball's illustrious history of dirty tricks right next to Shoeless Joe Jackson's infamous "Got your nose" yell.

New York state to legalize scalping
Confused Cowboy and Frontiersman's Guild lodges protest.

Favorite eliminated at spelling bee
U-N-N-E-W-S-W-O-R-T-H-E-- shit.

John Amaechi to lead gay pride parade in Salt Lake City
Tim Hardaway reacted, saying "I'm surprised he's not bringing up the rear of the parade! Get it? Get it?"

Chad Johnson to race a horse
Tank Johnson will eat the loser.

Snoop Dogg attends Stanley Cup game
The blackest man in America watches more hockey than you or I do.

Billy Donovan leaves UF to coach Orlando
Despite several attempts in the negotiating room, he was unable to bring his team with him.

Giambi injured while rounding bases after a HR
He'll be recuperating at the Best All-night Local Clu-- wait, did we use this joke yesterday? In related news, Mark McGwire tore his hamstring just watching the game.

NFL outlaws alcohol
No guns, dogfighting, or alcohol? I thought this was America!
In an unrelated story, Jerry Buss cancelled his plans to buy an NFL franchise.

Giants trade Benitez for Messenger
The Giants will pay $4,733,333 of Benitez's remaining $5,066,666 this season. San Francisco reportedly wanted the Marlins to pay more, but they balked at the idea.

Lebron James scores 29 of the Cavs last 30 points in a 2OT win
Daniel Gibson and Zydrunas Ilgauskas fouled out in overtime. Mike Brown opted not to replace them on the court.

We couldn't have said it better:

A petite stripper at the Hustler Club said A-Rod "likes the she-male, muscular type. They brought me up to the champagne room one time. I spun around once and that was it. I'm not his type."

- The NY Daily News

The Day That Was: May 30, 2007

Kobe reverses again, demands trade
Response from Stephen A. Smith: "AAAAHHHHGGGGGGGRRRRRRHHHHHHH!" while he ran in a circle waving his arms frantically. All of the confusion caused owner Jerry Buss to go back in time 48 hours and take up heavy drinking.

Mota back on the Mets after 50-game drug suspension
He celebrated with Barry Bonds at the Best All-night Local Club On Long Island

Cheats-On-His-Wife-Rod
Also announced that Derek Jeter cheats at poker, and Jorge Posada screenlooks in Halo.

Cuban and the UFL to compete with the NFL
Masquerading as a reporter at the press conference, Ricky Williams asked about the UFL drug policy.

Duke lacrosse granted an extra year of eligibility
Strippers everywhere have already evacuated North Carolina and headed to Morgantown, WV where Pacman Jones will "re-enroll" in "college" to "finish his degree".

They call him Tank for a reason
Footage captured from prison security camera. Tank Johnson is the one in the tye-dye shirt.


Iverson CD to drop this year, under his stage name "Jewels"
Apparently Iverson has turned into a fair-haired Canadian singer-songwriter.
Also: The 10 worst athlete/rappers here, tracks included.

"Coaching Session with Isiah Thomas" being auctioned off
Finally, your chance to teach Isiah how to coach.

Burress and Shockey MIA for training camp
Eli Manning also missed practice, due to an Archie-imposed time out for whining and bed wetting.

Joey Porter fined $1,000 for starting fight with Levi Jones
We just couldn't decide which of these to use, let us know which you think is best or if you have some responses of your own.

1) After hearing the news a reporter asked Porter how he would pay the fine and why he started the fight. Porter replied. "Straight cash, homey." He added, "It was a love slap. Next I'll slap him with my (explicative deleted)."

2) The fine was part of a deal in which Joey Porter would appear on this billboard and in exchange he would not receive a suspension.

3) Instead of writing a joke about this, I'd like to call attention to: "On September 21, 2006, his two dogs (a mastiff and a pit bull) got loose and killed a neighbor's 29-inch miniature horse."