The Day That Was: May 31, 2007

A-Rod tricks Jays player into dropping ball by shouting "I got it!"
Goes down in baseball's illustrious history of dirty tricks right next to Shoeless Joe Jackson's infamous "Got your nose" yell.

New York state to legalize scalping
Confused Cowboy and Frontiersman's Guild lodges protest.

Favorite eliminated at spelling bee
U-N-N-E-W-S-W-O-R-T-H-E-- shit.

John Amaechi to lead gay pride parade in Salt Lake City
Tim Hardaway reacted, saying "I'm surprised he's not bringing up the rear of the parade! Get it? Get it?"

Chad Johnson to race a horse
Tank Johnson will eat the loser.

Snoop Dogg attends Stanley Cup game
The blackest man in America watches more hockey than you or I do.

Billy Donovan leaves UF to coach Orlando
Despite several attempts in the negotiating room, he was unable to bring his team with him.

Giambi injured while rounding bases after a HR
He'll be recuperating at the Best All-night Local Clu-- wait, did we use this joke yesterday? In related news, Mark McGwire tore his hamstring just watching the game.

NFL outlaws alcohol
No guns, dogfighting, or alcohol? I thought this was America!
In an unrelated story, Jerry Buss cancelled his plans to buy an NFL franchise.

Giants trade Benitez for Messenger
The Giants will pay $4,733,333 of Benitez's remaining $5,066,666 this season. San Francisco reportedly wanted the Marlins to pay more, but they balked at the idea.

Lebron James scores 29 of the Cavs last 30 points in a 2OT win
Daniel Gibson and Zydrunas Ilgauskas fouled out in overtime. Mike Brown opted not to replace them on the court.

We couldn't have said it better:

A petite stripper at the Hustler Club said A-Rod "likes the she-male, muscular type. They brought me up to the champagne room one time. I spun around once and that was it. I'm not his type."

- The NY Daily News

The Day That Was: May 30, 2007

Kobe reverses again, demands trade
Response from Stephen A. Smith: "AAAAHHHHGGGGGGGRRRRRRHHHHHHH!" while he ran in a circle waving his arms frantically. All of the confusion caused owner Jerry Buss to go back in time 48 hours and take up heavy drinking.

Mota back on the Mets after 50-game drug suspension
He celebrated with Barry Bonds at the Best All-night Local Club On Long Island

Cheats-On-His-Wife-Rod
Also announced that Derek Jeter cheats at poker, and Jorge Posada screenlooks in Halo.

Cuban and the UFL to compete with the NFL
Masquerading as a reporter at the press conference, Ricky Williams asked about the UFL drug policy.

Duke lacrosse granted an extra year of eligibility
Strippers everywhere have already evacuated North Carolina and headed to Morgantown, WV where Pacman Jones will "re-enroll" in "college" to "finish his degree".

They call him Tank for a reason
Footage captured from prison security camera. Tank Johnson is the one in the tye-dye shirt.


Iverson CD to drop this year, under his stage name "Jewels"
Apparently Iverson has turned into a fair-haired Canadian singer-songwriter.
Also: The 10 worst athlete/rappers here, tracks included.

"Coaching Session with Isiah Thomas" being auctioned off
Finally, your chance to teach Isiah how to coach.

Burress and Shockey MIA for training camp
Eli Manning also missed practice, due to an Archie-imposed time out for whining and bed wetting.

Joey Porter fined $1,000 for starting fight with Levi Jones
We just couldn't decide which of these to use, let us know which you think is best or if you have some responses of your own.

1) After hearing the news a reporter asked Porter how he would pay the fine and why he started the fight. Porter replied. "Straight cash, homey." He added, "It was a love slap. Next I'll slap him with my (explicative deleted)."

2) The fine was part of a deal in which Joey Porter would appear on this billboard and in exchange he would not receive a suspension.

3) Instead of writing a joke about this, I'd like to call attention to: "On September 21, 2006, his two dogs (a mastiff and a pit bull) got loose and killed a neighbor's 29-inch miniature horse."

The Day That Was: May 29, 2007

Kobe backs down from previous statements
Clarifies Bryant: "I didn't say I wanted Jerry West to GM, I said I wanted him to replace Smush Parker."

Lakers owner arrested for DUI while driving gold station wagon
Admits it's all a ruse to try and become cellmates with Paris Hilton.

LeBron ties up the Eastern series with help from rookie Daniel Gibson
Seen signing fresh talent for Game 5 at local elementary school playgrounds, Mike Brown warned Eric Snow to be careful on the monkey bars.

Greg Oden to appear on Topps cards with Bill Russell
Shattered dreams of Celtics fans to be randomly inserted into one in ten packs.

Armando Benitez balks home tying run, Mets win in 12
Cub reporter Charles Schulz with the recap:


Sox win again as returning Beckett reaches 8-0
The bored pitcher announced that he's pitching his next game lefty.

Bonds predicted to hit #756 against Arizona on June 29
Asterisk manufacturers everywhere prepare for a rush, calling it "Christmas in June."

New calls for drug testing on the PGA
Critics cite Michelle Wie's new moustache.

NFL PA asks Goodell for a reduction in Pacman Jones' suspension
Michael Vick also submits appeal before being reminded he hasn't been suspended yet.

Andy Roddick upset at French Open
Luckily, millions of Americans continue to watch because they don't realize Federer is a foreigner. (Just kidding! Nobody's watched tennis since 1983!)

She's got some Stokke-ers. Anybody? Anybody?

Here is the official Hit Some Dingers response to the whole Allison Stokke debacle that has embroiled favorite sports blog With Leather recently. Simply replace the words "Lindsay Lohan" with "Allison Stokke."

The Continuing Adventures of Wily Mo Peña: You Say Goodbye, I Say Wil-Mo

Editor's note: We here at Hit Some Dingers, your one stop shop for half baked sports coverage and long pointless lists, posted a classified ad in the Boston Herald last month looking for a guest blogger to help fill those boring gaps between slightly more boring Phillies losses. To our surprise, we received an application e-mail from Boston Red Sox right fielder Wily Mo Peña, who said "If Kurt can do it, why cant I?" [sic]. After waiting another week and not getting any more interest in the ad, we told Wily to go for it, so here's the first installment in the ongoing series...

Hey everybody! How's it going?

I'm so excited to be a part of this new blog. Editor Adam says that I can write about whatever I want, so long as it's about baseball and not about my sitcom pilot script. But that's fine! I have faith that Oh No, Wily Mo! will find a home someday soon.

I figured I'd use this platform to give you guys a glimpse into the relaxed clubhouse lifestyle we enjoy here in Boston.

I don't know if you guys saw the game against Cleveland last night, but Kevin Youkilis, or as some of us like to call him, Kevin Steingoldstein, hit an inside the park home run. It's one of the most thrilling plays in the game! I should know, I hit one myself last week. The pitching coach seemed pretty angry at me for making such a big deal out of it, but he's always grumpy during batting practice.

The game was a big deal, not just because I finally swiped a pair of Dice-K's weird Oriental socks, but because the original Dirt Dog himself, Trot Nixon, was coming back to Fenway for the first time as a non-Sox. I tagged along with the rest of the guys to see him before the game, and he punched me and J.D. on the arms and said, "So these are the new guys, eh?" I tried to explain to Trot that this was my second season on the team, and that we had played together last year, but he was already busy doing some weird handshake with Varitek. Whatever.

Curt Schilling had another one of his crazy dying kids at the park when we were playing in Texas last week. I didn't really want to tell anybody, but I think he might have been one of those skinheads, like in that movie American History X. I know Curt has his own political opinions about things, but that seems to be crossing the line. Anyways, I went up to the kid and told him I was Manny Ramirez, and the kid believed me! At least, he did until I accidentally used my new catchphrase, "That's just Wily being Wily!"™ I still signed the kid's bat with Manny's name, though I think I misspelled his last name. Curt seemed pretty angry, but Curt's always angry.

Hey, this was kinda lame: the black players aren't letting me sit at their lunch table anymore. This happened for a few months last year too, but after I promised to give Ortiz my Gatorade every time, they let me back. But ever since the whole Vitamin Water endorsement, he doesn't want my Gatorade anymore! Doug said I could sit with him, but nobody sits with Doug. The worst part is that ever since A-Rod threw that elbow, they've been letting Dustin Pedroia sit with them! I mutter "honky" under my breath every time I walk by, but either he's ignoring me or he just doesn't hear.

Anyways, that's all for this first edition of what I've asked Editor Adam to call "Wily Mo's Danger Zone." If you have any questions, feel free to leave them in the comments here, or you can e-mail me too, WilyMoMoney.WilyMoProblems@gmail.com. Wily out!

Football in May

I know it's early, but I came across this list ranking all 32 starting quarterbacks. At first glance, I thought that it was just some guy picking names out of a hat... then I noticed that it was actually a SI.com football writer picking names out of a hat. Here is the link and the list:

1. Peyton Manning
2. Tom Brady
3. Carson Palmer
4. Drew Brees
5. Philip Rivers
6. Donovan McNabb
7. Ben Roethlisberger
8. Marc Bulger
9. Matt Hasselbeck
10. Michael Vick
11. Tony Romo
12. Matt Leinart
13. Jay Cutler
14. Vince Young
15. Brett Favre
16. Steve McNair
17. Alex Smith
18. Jeff Garcia
19. Jake Delhomme
20. Chad Pennington
21. Jon Kitna
22. Eli Manning
23. Damon Huard
24. Trent Green (assuming he's a Dolphin)
25. Jason Campbell
26. Rex Grossman
27. Byron Leftwich
28. J.P. Losman
29. Matt Schaub
30. Josh McCown
31. Tarvaris Jackson
32. Charlie Frye

Here are my problems with this list:

~I would put a healthy Donovan McNabb in the top 5- maybe switch him with Rivers, but being as biased as I am, I can live with this one. Just had to point it out.

~Big Ben is entirely too high up on this list. The only lists I want to see Benjamin Roethlisberger in the top 10 of are longest NFL player names, top current Pittsburgh Steeler quarterbacks, and best players to smash their dome pieces after falling off motorcycles without wearing helmets.

~You already know I hate Dallas, so let me know if I'm wrong... but do people REALLY expect Tony Romo to have a good season this year?

~Leinart and Cutler over VY? I hope this is Madden Curse related

~This guy has no love for Brett Favre, who I take over Mike Vick eight days a week

~38-year-old Jeff Garcia will out-perform Jake Delhomme, Chad Pennington, Jon Kitna, and Eli Manning? With the Tampa Bay offense that features Michael Clayton (700 yards in his last 2 seasons combined), Joey Galloway (35 years old), and Cadillac Williams. Contrary to popular belief, Cadillac Williams DID score a touchdown last year. Kudos.

~I don't believe that Delhomme will be better than Pennington, Kitna, or Eli Manning. He's been losing that starting job every year since the Panthers got to the Super Bowl. Pennington is perfect for the Jets offense, Kitna now has 2 stud wide-outs in Roy Williams and Calvin Johnson as well as a capable running back.

~Eli Manning was seriously disrespected here. I hate Eli Manning, but I don't know how you don't put him in the top 15. He is definitely more consistent than Big Ben and he has solid weapons with Plax and Shockey. The big question mark with this offense isn't really Eli anymore, it's if Brandon Jacobs can handle the load as a premier RB.

~How did Jason Campbell get any respect? Rex Grossman went to the Super Bowl, while Jason Campbell sat in his bedroom trying to figure out which side of Mark Brunell's jock strap was the front. He only broke 200 passing yards in one win last season (204 in a 16-10 win over New Orleans).

Previously, Andrew Perloff wrote a short article about why the Eagles should trade Donovan McNabb for Brett Favre. Ugh.

Andrew Perloff, I do challenge you to a 'throwdown' as Fan Nation calls it. You are a hack and your inadequate knowledge of football is a microcosm of the problems plaguing Sports Illustrated.

Here is how I would rank the quarterbacks as of now:

1. Peyton Manning
2. Tom Brady
3. Drew Brees
4. Carson Palmer
5. Donovan McNabb
6. Phillip Rivers
7. Matt Hasselbeck
8. Marc Bulger
9. Brett Favre
10. Michael Vick
11. Vince Young
12. Matt Leinart
13. Eli Manning
14. Ben Roethlisberger
15. Jay Cutler
16. Alex Smith
17. Tony Romo
18. Steve McNair
19. Chad Pennington
20. Jon Kitna
21. Jake Delhomme
22. Damon Huard
23. Trent Green
24. Rex Grossman
25. Jeff Garcia
26. Byron Leftwich
27. JP Losman
28. Matt Shaub
29. Jason Campbell
30. Josh McCown
31. Tavaris Jackson
32. Charlie Frye

Let me know what you think.

NBA Playoffs

This year's NBA playoffs are a disaster. Despite the fact that basketball has always been my favorite sport, I only had 5 reasons to watch these playoffs at all:
1) Root against Kobe
2) Root for Iverson to win a championship
3) Watch one of the greatest upsets in NBA history- Thanks Warriors
4) Witness the first post-season LeBron moment
and 5) The Phoenix Suns

After watching Amare and Boris Diaw jeopardize half of my remaining reasons to watch the playoffs, I was very frustrated.

Regardless, the Suns played a great game with a short bench against a tough team. Before the game, I was very convinced that the Suns would pull it out. The Suns were an angry team playing at home in a house packed with angry fans. Also, Mike D'Antoni is a great coach, and he is an especially gifted gimmick coach (meaning he makes nice situational and one-time game plans). I expected him to make a great strategy, and he did. He had a great thing going with his small lineup. Duncan had a very hard time staying with Shawn Marion (who was the Suns center for a good portion of the game). Unfortunately, Leandro Barbosa and Raja Bell getting in foul trouble forced him to use Kurt Thomas, who as Rasheed Wallace told us, "is good for shit on the block." While on offense, Duncan scored at will on Thomas. On the defensive end, Thomas wasn't enough of a presence. Duncan altered almost every shot in the paint and blocked five shots. Manu Ginobili caught fire in the 4th and there was nothing a tired Phoenix team could do to stop him, and that was the tipping point.

Now for tonight's game- both the NBA and I would like to see this series go to a game 7. From the hole they're in, however, I do not see the Suns winning another game. Here's why:

Amare Stoudamire
On the surface, having Amare versus not having Amare is an obvious advantage. However, Amare is an emotional player. He led the league in fouls and really plays with a chip on his shoulder since missing last season. This does not bode well for tonight's game. Amare is going to try too hard to do too much to make up for his game 5 absence. Tim Duncan is too smart and too good on defense to let a guy running on anger torch him. Wait for early foul trouble and a few layups go way hard off the glass.

Steve Nash
I liked Nash before, but I respect the guy so much more than I used to. All of the punishment he's taking just makes me wonder how much more he can take. He was visibly fatigued at the end of game 5. This series is opening up the nation's eyes to just how dirty a player Bruce Bowen is. He rides Nash up and down the court every possession and it has to be taxing on the 195 lb. point guard. Nash has been the heart and soul of the Suns- he carries them when they're down, leads them to every lead, and gets the whole team involved. I hope he can keep it up.

The Spurs
I'm not a fan of their cheap shots, constant flopping, or their methodical half-court offense, but they are a very good team. The Suns don't really have an answer for Tim Duncan or a strong Rasheed Wallace type power forward to give Bowen the knock he deserves.The Spurs won't miss Robert Horry, they're 15-1 without him and they are a nasty 7-0 when up 3-2 in a playoff series over the last seven years. All of the pressure tonight will be on the Suns, not the Spurs.

It'll be hard for the Suns to win two straight road games, but if any team has the firepower to take it to the Spurs in San An, it's them.
Prediction: Spurs in a nail-biter


Watch the Cavs game while you're reading this so you know why Jim Rome, ATH, and PTI are all asking if last night was cause to remove LeBron's scarlet U for 'unclutch'

First Post

Welcome to Hit Some Dingers, the single greatest sports blog on the internet (that I write). I've been meaning to make this blog for a pretty long time. I'll cover sports- mostly baseball, football, and basketball- and try to give a different perspective than the talking heads on ESPN.

I knew this was going to be a sports blog, naming it was the biggest problem for me. Hit Some Dingers was mostly inspired by the Simpsons episode where Major League Baseball spies on Springfield, Bart shoots down their satellite with a tank, and then Big Mac shows up in all of his steroid-filled glory and asks the people if they want to know the truth about whats going on or just watch him sock a few dingers. I know- classic. Most of the names I considered using were pretty whack, but some were actually a little funny, so I'll use this first post to let you see what could have been:

1) Pat the Cat


There's the image, the brainchild of my friend Jeff Greco. A little history on this one: we play a lot of MLB Baseball on Playstation and Pat "the Bat" Burrell is one of our favorite players to make fun of (i.e. Pat the Cat scampers to first or Pat the Gat really unloaded his clip on that one). Despite how much fun it is to make fun of my favorite Phillies' first overall selection, and despite the fact that the pic is hilarious, I just didn't think it was the best name for the blog.


2) The Round Mound of Blog

Charles Barkley is easily my favorite basketball player of all time, I even have an autographed picture of him that I keep in my pillowcase. Chuck is slowly penetrating the hearts of basketball viewers everywhere, analyzing basketball for TNT while Krispy Kreme not-so-slowly penetrates his arteries. Even his commercials with D Wade are great. Naming my blog after Sir Charles would be the greatest homage I could pay to my childhood hero (I always did want to be a professional bar fighter), but the name was a little bulky - which I guess is fitting - and having the word blog right in there was kind of lame too.


3) Cut That Meat / Laser Rocket Blog

I can't say that I like Peyton Manning or the Colts, but I'm a fan of the man's off-the-field work. Some of his commercials are really funny (First and Second) and Manning was much funnier than "Dreamboat" Brady while hosting SNL. As funny as Ol' Peyton can be, I still don't like him that much and couldn't justify giving him the eternal honor of naming my blog after him.


4) Dinosaurs Eat Man

It's an obviously terrible name, an obscure Jurassic Park quote to go with this incredibly funny picture- again courtesy of Jeff Greco. Other possible names going with this pic were Shoot Her, which had obvious problems, Do-You-Think-He-Saurus, which just didn't make much sense, and finally, Mr. Hammond, the Phones Are Working.



5) Ron Mexico Kennel Club

I don't care much for Michael Vick, I think he's an overrated quarterback. Ron Mexico, on the other hand, is a hero of mine. Refusing to allow his younger brother's gun brandishing upstage him, Vick does everything he can to turn an ordinary situation into hilarious headline news. From the herp lawsuit to the dog fights, Mr. Mexico I salute you.


6) Shawn Kemp Jr. Jr. Jr. Jr. Jr. Jr.

This one pays respect to both Shawn Kemp and his 6th-born child. No real reasons here, other than the fact that the Rain Man is an American hero.


7) Dallas Sucks

I don't like Dallas, and I like to keep this photo handy in my funny pictures folder. I'm pretty sure Jerry Jones has dentures. Enjoy.




There were a few others, but none of them had any comedic value. Now that the site is actually up, the next post will have something to do with sports.